This is a topic that has been burning in my mind for a while now. It is something that is puzzling and at the same time disturbing to me. I have been putting off writing about this, but I read a story online last week that prompted me to finally put my thoughts on this topic to paper.
When people who used to be lovers suddenly turn to enemies, it gives me a certain cause for concern. When people who used to be married now look for avenues to tear down each other, or make it their life’s mission to discredit the former spouse or partner it is really disturbing.
So I ask myself where is the love they once professed for each other? Have they suddenly forgotten the vows of love? The things they once did to make each other happy? These are questions I always ask myself.
I have one very strong belief; if indeed the love you once had for the other party was genuine and real because things did not work out will not make you guys’ enemies.
I and my cousin were talking about this issue and I told him, it’s because we are selfish, it’s because the love we once thought we had is selfish; that’s why when things do not work out as planned, we become enemies. The type of love we practice these days is the “by force” type. We think that because we love someone, then the person is under compulsion to reciprocate the love.
I know shit happens, I know someone who once loved you may leave you and marry a younger version of yourself but for the love, you once professed, can you just be civil with him?
Let me summarise the story that prompted this article, a lady dated a guy for 5years, meanwhile during that same period,he was also dating a white woman who he eventually married. The lady found out and got in touch with the white woman and they both executed a plan to deport him out of the country (the US). On the platform where this story was shared, a lot of people commented that the guy deserved what he got, but I have a different opinion. I feel like the lady (ex-girlfriend) should have just left him for Karma. Karma doesn’t forget anyone’s address. If indeed you truly once loved someone, why then would you want to destroy the person’s life, simply because a relationship/marriage did not work? Why?
Let me ask a question if you have an opportunity to get back at your ex for whatever wrong he/she did, would you take it? Would you seek an opportunity to pay back the wrong done to you? Well if you would take an opportunity to revenge or get back at your ex or former spouse, then one basic thing is clear, you have not gotten over that person. In your heart, may be a secret desire to reconcile with the said person, but seeing that the person has moved on and is probably happy, it kills you. You feel you’ve been wronged and you “need to show” him/her.
But one thing you should understand about life is Sometimes in Life what we doesn’t want us. If you reconcile yourself to this fact, life and love would be easier.
This issue is even more saddening when there are children involved. If you use your child to get back at a former spouse or partner, then forgive me; but I think that’s wickedness. I’m always like for the sake of these kids, just be civil with him/her.
Imagine this scenario, the child goes to Father’s house and father poisons child’s mind against the mother, the child then becomes father’s advocate. Then the child goes to Mother’s house, and mother poisons child’s mind against father, then the child becomes mother’s advocate. Then the child is left feeling confused and may even feel guilty as to be the cause of the split.
Once you become a parent, your whole life changes; because it’s no longer about you, you have someone else to think about. Like I said in Motherhood and Choices parenthood changes you. For the sake of the child/children please be civil towards your former spouse; for if you do, you will be teaching that child forgiveness, maturity and how best to show love even when circumstances around you dictate otherwise. Like my Pastor always says, the best way to deal with an enemy is to show them; true love. The real agape love accepts people for who they are, not what you want/wish/pray them to be. If someone you once loved, turns evil; inside of seeking out revenge methods, please accept them for what they have become and refuse to be bitter. Read here How to Let go of Bitterness.
Instead of been bitter or acrimonious, practice forgiveness. Leave the person in the hands of the greatest judge, who knows how to judge each one impartially.
It’s easy to look for someone to blame when a relationship or a marriage do not work out. We are easy to say, it’s because he/she did this or that, that’s why it didn’t work out. But one thing I know is this; it takes two to tangle. If from the very beginning, the relationship has always been one-sided; then you have yourself to blame. For a marriage to work out, it is for two willing and forgiving people to make it work. When a relationship or a marriage fails, it is the fault of both parties. You may feel you’re the wronged one, but there are things that you did or did not do; things that you said or did not say that lead to the breakdown of that marriage/relationship.
So first of all, ask yourself where did I get it wrong? In what way did I contribute to the breakdown of this relationship or marriage? When you are able to accept your faults and learn from it, it would be a lot easier handling the other party.
Please if a relationship did not work out, don’t turn the other party to an enemy; don’t forget the Love you both once shared. For the sake of that love, please accept the situation and move the hell on. Don’t let Love turn into hate.
God bless you all, wishing you a fulfilling and a prosperous week. Thank you for reading and please do not forget to comment and share.